tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
