dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
