Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I got her a Nickelback box set.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
