The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
