Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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