just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
do herpes really smell.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
