I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i think i scared a bird with my dick
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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