I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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