You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
