just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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