I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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