im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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