so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
