I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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