I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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