2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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