I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
