just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
