I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
