I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
