haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
