i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
from now on my penis is your penis
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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