Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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