got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
