all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
