Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
