The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
