I'm going to jail i love you
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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