God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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