I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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