She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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