Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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