Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
