He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
