I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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