It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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