I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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