you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
