life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
