I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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