i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
