Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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