I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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