I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
