I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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