It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I wish I only lived at night.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
