I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
