honey bunches of taint.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
