i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
