it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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