dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
